Nano The Bot

I feel dead. Outside I feel alive, but it's the inside that counts.

I destroy everything.

I can't stop myself.

I want to destroy something right now.

I can't stop myself.

I want you to miss me.

I just wanted you to love me with some kind of enthusiasm.

I didn't think it was too much to ask.

It was.

I'm not sure if I can handle that.

I'll never not love you.

I feel like I'm going in every direction now.

I don't see a future anymore.

I really hope that changes because you can't give me what I need.

I can't sacrifice what I really need for you anymore.

I wish I could because fuck, I miss you.

How the fuck could he never mention anything good about me. Act like I might be someone he's physically attracted to. Ever. Never ever. And now he's talking about how pretty all these girls are. How hot they look. Fuck him.

All I wanted was some attention. the kind people generally get from the person they're with. Too much to ask, I know. Only when I stop giving it does anything come of it. Oh, then the shit hits the fan.

I miss you so bad, lovely. y o u. I never needed anything extra.

I finished my school of retail selling course today. It took me all of two hours spread out over a week. If that. They give you 12 weeks from signing up to finish it. Are there people that suck at retail more than I do? Impossible, right?

I'm thinking about looking for a part time bartending job. There's a little Mediterranean restaurant I like that's hiring. Not sure if they're looking for a bartender, but it'd be neat. I'm not sure I need to be working in a place that serves my favorite food in town, though. It could be disastrous. There's always the place I used to work, but the area scares me a lot and gas prices are a little too high to be driving that far for work. I can't believe I'm even thinking about having 2 jobs. That's SO not me. I'd like to consider myself an active (or not so active) member of the work less party. I just don't know if I can even survive on what I'm making now. Especially if I don't stay in this cheap, crappy house. I'm probably going to need to get a roommate. I am super-grateful that I AM near most of my family so that I don't have to put Seth in daycare so far. I really am just going to have to make sure I don't work TOO much. I don't want to get sucked into that. My mom will work 3 or 4 jobs at a time and be fucking MISERABLE. Don't want that.

I drew in my sketchbook for the first time in a LONG time. Maybe I'll get my creativity back. I think maybe I've just had so much crap on my mind and no real way to get rid of it. I am a better artist when I'm laid back. Stress doesn't make me better the way it does some people. I am SO jealous of that. Stress clutters my mind and fucks up my zen. I drew a genie. She has bad hands and a horrible nose. She needs plastic surgery. I could just wish for her to be prettier!










x-posted from LLT

I haven't posted in a while, have I? I actually have had a lot to say, too. I just have way too much going on, mostly in my head, to even think about sitting in front of the computer anymore. I'd usually rather lie in bed until I fall asleep to make thoughts pass quicker. It sounds sad, but this will pass. Everything always does. I know I've criticized the phrase because there are some things that definitely don't apply, but I'm maybe going to adopt the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" approach. Again, I'm being vague. I need to seriously consider trying meditation again.

I got a super-sunburn. It's not so much super as SUPER-OUCH! The really sad part is how I did it on purpose. I didn't expect it to lastvery long, though. My no-ad glitter junk hasn't failed me until now. It used to make me burn for a total of 24 hours, then fade it right to a pretty golden tan. I'm going to get skin cancer so bad! On my belly! Showers, work, and sleeping on my belly have been made miserable thanks to one bad idea. Oh yeah, notice how my belly button hole is white. White! Insult to injury in it's purest form.

I'm supposed to be on here starting my "School of Retail Selling" class. I got on, Vanni was online, so I decided to show him my sunburn. Then I started reading Lavish. Then i decided to post something here. Eventually I will get to it. I need to. Apparently, I'm a Hippo when it comes to retail selling. I want to be a lion or at the very least, an otter!

I ate Chinese yesterday (stupid) and my fortune cookie was awesome. I know it will be an important bit of advice sometime, so I'm keeping it in my wallet, right next to my identity.

Also, to someone who will never read this, I actually have to get my life straight too, you douche. Everyone does. You're not special. Look, I kind of feel better. Kind of.

And to someone else, Why are you making yourself so inaccessible for this conversation that WILL happen one day? One day soon, too. Do you see it coming, or are you actually avoiding it on accident? Nope. this one didn't make me feel a bit better.

***x-posted from LLT

Pic of the rising water in St. Francisville. The river is usually WAY down that road. At least a mile.

This happens to me at least once a year, but I’m fucking sick of this place. I hate the crappy house I live in, but I hate that rent has gone up hundreds in the past couple of years even worse. I’d rather live in this piece of shit house than pay 1200 to live in bland-as-shit Zachary. I hate the fact that I have to drive a car everywhere except to walk my dog, and even sometimes then. I’m sick of how much gas costs to do so, pretty much preventing me from saving any money to actually get the fuck out of here. It feels like some kind of prison. This lovely place where people still call me “white girl”. Where people don’t understand what the hell you’re saying. Where the only thing people remember about me is that I had a kid when I was 16. Some history.What even is the point of staying here? Summer’s coming and I’m still here. another fucking summer spent in this redneck hellhole. Wonderful.

Before it was all peachy if I just ignored it. Before, I had a lot of friends, too. I don’t really have many now. I hate to say it, but I don’t really want them back either. If I can lose them that easily, they can stay gone. I have some of my family, and that’s good but I know I’d still have them. Besides, they’re likely to turn on me any second the way things go in my family. Anywho.

I want out.

Shame no one else in my household does. I’d have left already, easy.

I hate Wednesdays. Seriously. It's like Mondays for most people x10. First, I have to go to work. Not so bad. Not so bad, at least, unless you know you have to be there for 10 hours! Ten hours compared to my usual 6, tops. 10 hours at GNC is an Eternity. I actually enjoy my 6 hour days. They're usually short, I work mornings so I get to have my afternoons to do whatever, and I get to talk to someone during overlap. It's nice. On Wednesdays, no one ever comes in. Not until I get bored and start reading or maybe have to pee. Then they come in by the group. By then, it feels liek they're interrupting me. Interrupting whatever I was doing to wait for them to come in.

I talked to my manager and she's betting on $60 in commission. I'm expecting more like $10, like my usual Wednesday. On a regular 6 hour day I make about $20-$40. On a 6 hour day. While I make $10 on a 10 hour day. Make any sense? To repeat what I told my boss, "the Wednesday gods have it out for me." I wonder what a suitable sacrifice to them would be for a day-of-the week god. Wednesday panties? A 5 year old and a Labrador maybe?

Since when do I have allergies? I haven't had a snot-free nose in about a month now. I assume most of the blame can go to the pollen. The pollen that covers everything like volcanic ash. A giant flowery volcano has erupted and I am very upset I wasn't warned. I'd have temporarily moved somewhere without flowers or volcanoes. My red car is yellow every morning!

I am so very tired this today. The responsibility gods are trying to teach me a lesson. I went out to random redneck bars three nights in a row with Mimi. Seems like the fact that only one of those nights were actually fun would have been punishment enough. No. They must punish me at work.

Lucy is already growing. I've already had to adjust her collar once since we got her. She spends a large hunk of her time in her kennel house-training. I've never mopped my floor so much in my life. Although it has given me a chance to use my awesome lavender and peppermint hemp soaps, I miss being able to clean whenever I felt like it. It was usually every day, but if I didn't want to, I didn't have to. Not so anymore.

I'm at work, writing this in a notebook, halfway reading Maynard and Jennica, halfway writing some prose and barely surviving on Detox tea and water.I'm off tomorrow and my car is kinda fixed. What will I do?!

The beer diet worked for me this weekend. I was shocked when the little paper the scale at work ("have you checked your weight today?") prints out every morning said I had lost a pound instead of the anticipated gain of at least the same amount. I'm not sure how that worked, but it did and I'm OK with it.

I can't wait until I can start over financially. I've made SO many mistakes and I plant o fix them. I have a basic financial plan set up. Actually, its pretty in-depth. The best part is that it includes building up two funds: an emergency fund and a holiday fund. These are the two issues that cause us the most stress financially. When something happens to either of us, job related or whatever, we don't have any extra money to fix it. We end up getting behind on one bill, which means we get behind on more bills and its just a domino effect from there. Also, we always seem to be in a financial bind around the holidays. I've set up a plan that doesn't involve much being taken out of our paychecks, but still adds up to a lot for Seth's birthday($400) and Christmas($900). And that's just without putting any extra into it. It will be nice to get rid of those little stresses.

    I wish there was something like church for non-religious people. It doesn't seem possible. The only thing non-religious people seem to agree on is that they're non-religious. I want that sense of community so badly, it's tempting to become a member of a church. The only problem with that would I'd either have to lie to the group of people I plan to become a part of, or be an outcast because I'm not truly a part of it. I also want a bigger family for this reason. I want my children to have a good support system amongst each other. I have no brothers or sisters to speak of, and that can be terribly lonely. I wasn't one of those kids that's showered with affection because I'm an only child, either. I didn't have anyone to tell my secrets to. The worse part is that I could have, because I actually DO have a sister. I haven't seen her since my mother took her from my grandmother and gave her up for adoption when she was 8 months old. She's 17 now. I'm thinking hard about contacting her.

    I can tell that Seth is already starting to feel the way I did. When I see him playing alone I get a little sad because I know how it is. He's even told me he wants a brother, "So I can always have a friend." That hurts my heart, because I want that for him, too, and I can't give it to him. Well, I can, but I'd have to give up another important part of my life to have it.

   I don't have a lot of family to spend time with and invest my energy into. A lot of my family is hopeless, and my only interest in them is how the hell their children will survive their crappy childhood. I have my grandparents and a couple of cousins. I hardly speak to my mom anymore, and it's just as well. She always tried to start drama between people, and it gets old. She's not happy unless she feels superior to someone, specifically my grandmother. It's hard to communicate with someone that bitter and miserable.

 The holiday season is just one of those times when I crave this sense of community even stronger. It's a miserable feeling, loneliness.