Nano The Bot

    I wish there was something like church for non-religious people. It doesn't seem possible. The only thing non-religious people seem to agree on is that they're non-religious. I want that sense of community so badly, it's tempting to become a member of a church. The only problem with that would I'd either have to lie to the group of people I plan to become a part of, or be an outcast because I'm not truly a part of it. I also want a bigger family for this reason. I want my children to have a good support system amongst each other. I have no brothers or sisters to speak of, and that can be terribly lonely. I wasn't one of those kids that's showered with affection because I'm an only child, either. I didn't have anyone to tell my secrets to. The worse part is that I could have, because I actually DO have a sister. I haven't seen her since my mother took her from my grandmother and gave her up for adoption when she was 8 months old. She's 17 now. I'm thinking hard about contacting her.

    I can tell that Seth is already starting to feel the way I did. When I see him playing alone I get a little sad because I know how it is. He's even told me he wants a brother, "So I can always have a friend." That hurts my heart, because I want that for him, too, and I can't give it to him. Well, I can, but I'd have to give up another important part of my life to have it.

   I don't have a lot of family to spend time with and invest my energy into. A lot of my family is hopeless, and my only interest in them is how the hell their children will survive their crappy childhood. I have my grandparents and a couple of cousins. I hardly speak to my mom anymore, and it's just as well. She always tried to start drama between people, and it gets old. She's not happy unless she feels superior to someone, specifically my grandmother. It's hard to communicate with someone that bitter and miserable.

 The holiday season is just one of those times when I crave this sense of community even stronger. It's a miserable feeling, loneliness.

I'm back from Thanksgiving at the Mosbeys'. It was a nice time, except for the fact that for the first time as far as I can remember I felt like I ate entirely too much food. I usually loathe Thanksgiving dishes, but there were some good ones there. Delicious soul food. Delicious. I'm glad to be back home but when I walked in my door, it was fucking freezing in here and smelled like cat shit. We leave and it's fall, we come back and it's winter. Also, 3 cats + tiny house x 3 days = not a good time when I get back.

I was meaning to go through Seth's room and minimalise (which is apparently not a word) it for him. It's so cold, I'm not sure if I will or not. Brr. I've got coffee brewing, the oven on, space heaters going (don't worry, I won't leave them on all night) and a fat ass cat in my lap. I should be O.K. soon. Then I can get to cleaning. Woo. I can't wait until I move out of this place. No more space heaters and window units. No more thinking my house looks like shit even after cleaning it thoroughly. No more clutter.

I guess I broke my daily posting habit again. I wasn't home last night because of... things. I stayed over at Rachel and Stan's. I intended to stay at Gramma's, but Gary wasn't having that, and he didn't have his car with him, so yeah. Lesson learned.

Tonight we're going to Mississippi so we'll be there for Thanksgiving. One day I'll be stable enough to have Thanksgiving and Xmas at my house. Like the whole thing. Not opening presents and then going to Grammas. I really want that one day. I want that for Seth mostly. It would be nice to be a safe haven for the holidays for him and any other children I may have, assuming I will. Hoping I will.

 I got the application for Seth to go to the Visual and Performing Art magnet school yesterday.It turns out the application is parish-wide and you get a first and second choice. A few other details: There's no interview, it's not first come, first served, and he can get accepted in the middle of a school year if someone drops out. I've already got his portfolio ready, I just need letters of recommendation and his progress report. There's only one other magnet elementary school in BR, and it's just a regular magnet school. No art or technology. The other three are either Montessori or immersion, and he HAS to have experience with either of them for first grade admission. Sadly, he doesn't. This is why planning ahead is a good idea, kiddies. Either way, I hope he enjoys theater. My baby should be a star on Broadway with all his drama.

( I'll leave you with some pictures. )

I forgot to post yesterday. I've been really trying, since I have not much else to do. Not that I did anything yesterday. I put some gas in my car and drove around for a bit. Nothing good happened so I went to grammas to wash clothes. I ended up staying there from 11:00am until 4:15pm, sending resumes and making calls. Oh let's not forget chasing down and capturing the "impossible to catch" evil rooster. The both of us came out a little bloody (ok, just him. poor thing. don't know how he did it.), but he got GOT! He was pissed about it for a little while, but eventually gave in to my nurturing nature and allowed himself to be pet and hugged repeatedly. He returned to his pissed-off attitude upon being released.

I think I may go to some sort of celebration tonight where I know no one. I told Seth if he was good and cleaned his room his friend could spend the night. Doesn't look like either of those will happen, so I can go sit awkwardly on a sofa somewhere, trying to overcome myself. I'm getting a lot better at this overcoming myself thing. Deep breath, stop thinking about every single word, and just talk to people. Yeah.

I have to admit that the dinner party at Nichole's went really well. Nichole is a pretty awesome chick. The fact that Seth could come probably helped. He's the person I'm most comfortable around.

I'm at grammas washing some clothes, and since there's not too much else to be done here I could post a little something to the old eljay. 

There are a lot of birds chirping, cheeping and squawking. Lovebirds, cockatiels, baby chickens. All at the same time, but not harmoniously. It's birdie chaos up in this bitch.
I'm not feeling too great today. A little nauseous, a little plehgmy (sorry, maybe that's TMI? *cough*) and with fast food in my belly. I hope I feel better by the end of the day because I have plans to go out to Splash tonight to hang out with Jon Jon. There's not likely any danger, but I probably won't have more than a couple of drinks, just in case, you know. Ha, yeah you don't know. You're not gonna. Not yet, at least.
They turned my cable back on. Funny thing is, I think there's been another bank error. We shall see. Im going to start sending them guys money orders instead of checks. Thirty cents sure beats 15 dollar fees.

Seth put a Fruit Loop on his lip yesterday and said "I want to look like you. Forever!". It was seriously adorable. I took a picture, but my camera is at home. I'll have to post that later. I'm going to have to fight to keep him away from a piercing shop. I can see it now. He also wants me to dye his hair pink. I suppose I'll be doing that tonight.  It'll grow out enough for an okay haircut by the time school starts.